Get Your Motor Running

July 1996; the Summer before high school started. It was 3 days before my 14th Birthday when I was introduced to car guy. ‘Just here for the Summer,’ the sound of the motor running, that smile … his nod, and a core memory that would eventually become tainted. Car guy fell in love with my childhood best friend that Summer, and I would live and breathe their relationship as the third wheel, until its final day. I still remember when their ending became ‘our’ ending … BECAUSE … she broke up with me too. Her words, “You’ve been a terrible best friend.” SHE had been a part of my life since I was 4 years old; Kindergarten besties. Let me just be CLEAR, I WASN’T a terrible best friend … I just WASN’T HER best friend. We still haven’t spoken. It’s been 17 years since that phone call.

Writing about this conversation has me wondering if her words were meant to hurt me, or re-direct ALL of us? During that ‘last phone call’ she also said, “You will always choose him.” She was ‘kind of’ right … I DID choose car guy; for many years. TRUTHFULLY, a part of my soul longed for him to ‘obsess‘ over me the way he had over her. I certainly never wanted ‘our’ ending. Deeply hurt by piercing words, and the loss of friendship; I wove myself a web of silence, and chose to play a passive role in my own life. Every safe bet was the only bet, and I walked on eggshells with everything I did and didn’t do. I avoided tough conversations, confrontations, and any encounter where I might be met with loss, rejection, and hurtful words that created painful experiences and demonized my memories. I wasn’t about it. I chose to carry my demons silently. I didn’t know how to tame them, and HELL would have to freeze over before I EVER let my demons surface.

HELL indeed froze over for me, and I had to build a GODDAMN FIRE to get out. Trust me when I say, expect the unexpected and NEVER … EVER … SAY NEVER. Thinking back, I spent too many days in my own head. Ages 14-26; I wanted to be her. She never dealt with rejection, or at least I never witnessed it. I never heard her being told, “You’re just not my type.” I wanted to be gawked at, drooled over, and whatever other adjectives depict a sultry treat. Truthfully, there are days that I wish I had more fashion sense, a pinch more grace and some sexually exotic allure … but then, I wouldn’t be me. I also wouldn’t have had years of crazy chaos, hilarious memories, and maddening moments to write about.

Car guy and I also don’t speak anymore, which brings me to my final thought. We all have memories and moments held in time that warrant a do-over, some that we regret, and definitely ones that we want to forget … but what I have learned on my own journey is this … Even my worst moments have become the best parts of my story. My advice, make peace with your demons. Learn to talk softly about the darkest parts of your story, and ‘get your own motor running.’

-XOXO @Scarlettangel777 ❤