Over and Over

As I sat around the dinner table tonight, I had a conversation with my 15 year old son about suicide. I’ve been feeling for awhile now that this day was upon me, but what I wasn’t prepared for … was the flashbacks in my own minds eye of when I was 15; trying to numb my own inner pain through self harm. I spent countless nights curled up in a ball; face buried in the shag carpet … crying puddles of tears into my bedroom floor. Dark thoughts about how everyone would be better off without me in it, and about how badly I wanted to be noticed. Thoughts about how me dying would some how benefit the world.

Fact, I was terrified to die. My fear of death was so profound, that the shear thought of actually killing myself … and not being alive anymore … is why I am still very much living. My own fear of death is what saved my life, and I thank God every day that he made me a hypochondriac who was riddled with anxiety. Never underestimate the inner strength of someone that has had to derail their spiraling thoughts over and over … and over … and over …and over … and over … and over … and over … and over ……………

xoxox 💋 @scarlettangel777